Released 9/13/98

I'm Sorry

The first thing every reporter seems to be asking me these days is myreaction to the "Clinton Situation." Some regular voters ask, too, but mostlyit's the reporters.) It might be a surprise to some but I really want everyone to knowthat I had little to nothing to do with advising on the situation or how to respond to it.In an effort to let everyone know how I feel once and for all, with the fervent hope thatwe can put this behind us and get on to the issues which are lying there unattended, hereis everything I can think of to say about the "Clinton Situation."

I'm sorry. I'm not a politician, but I'm playing one on TV this electionseason. To the extent that that gives me some involvement in this, I apologize.

To the American people: I'm sorry for my part in having helped advanceour society to such a high level of technology Bwithout a corresponding increase in discretion, exhibited either by our leaders or by ourFourth Estate. This mismatch has now exposed us to a continuous bombardment of pornographyso idiotic that we'd wash it off a public bathroom wall if we ever saw it written upthere.

To Betty Currie: I apologize for helping create an atmosphere whichfirst bred unquestioned loyalty to your boss, and then put you in a conflict between thatloyalty and your basic God-given instinct to tell the truth.

To William Jefferson Clinton: I'm sorry for any part I played inallowing you to assume such a position of authority and responsibility. I was so taken byyour striking intellect, and your ability to identify so intensely with everyone you meet,that I was blinded to the fatal character flaw which enabled you to throw it all away.

To Judge Kenneth Starr: I'm sorry for any part I played in allowingyou to assume such a position of authority and responsibility. I was so taken by yourjudicial appearance, and your former position as an appellate judge, that I was blinded toyour apparent lack of fundamental fairness, which fatally tainted your work.

To Judge David Sentelle: I'm sorry that I didn't pitch a fit when youfired a perfectly good Republican special prosecutor assigned to the Whitewaterinvestigation, Robert Fiske, in order to appoint Judge Starr. I'm sorry, too, that youdon't see that it's completely inappropriate for the wife of a judge B your wife Bto be employed as a receptionist by Senator Faircloth's staff.

To Senator Lauch Faircloth: I'm sorry that I think of you as anunderling to Senator Jesse Helms, in the pocket of Big Tobacco, and willing to do anythingto destroy their enemies.

To Willie Nelson: I'm sorry I didn't think far enough ahead to suggesta song for you to sing in Wag the Dog: "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Upto Be Presidents." The rest of the words in the "...grow up to be cowboys"song fits pretty well.

To the President's Lawyers: I am sorry that you have chosen todescribe the Starr report as an effort to embarrass and humiliate the President B apparently an impossible goal.

To Dr. Bernard Lewinsky: I'm sorry we live in a society where 300,000people a second can hear such terrible stories about your daughter. In a simpler andpossibly better time, the awful nature of those stories would have justified your takingout a gun and shooting the people who spread them.

To the NRA: I'm sorry for so constantly and vocally opposing the easyavailability of handguns and automatic weapons in our country. Dr. Lewinsky's case showsme there may be a few times when an Uzi or two would be welcome.

To Newt Gingrich: I apologize for feeling that, although I felt thatyou clearly had no ability to distinguish between right and wrong on a personal level, youwould never have sufficient unbridled power to have wrought the destruction to ourgovernment and its most solemn processes which you have.

To the House of Representatives: I'm sorry that I can't help thinkingthat there is absolutely no legal, procedural, or ethical reason for having allowed Mr.Gingrich to have made this report public other than your collective fear that the detailswould surely have leaked  and that you took the cowardly way out by standing asidewhile the Speaker turned the Internet into a transcontinental sewer line.

To Charles Babbage: I apologize to you, posthumously, for being partof a society that took your difference engine and turned its descendants  computerslinked together worldwide into a vehicle for distributing filth around the globe.

To the garbagemen of the world: I apologize for nominating as yourleader the Speaker of the House, a would-be author who has now turned, with hisghostwriter, to pornography. (In defense of the garbagemen, I will say they have spenttheir lives collecting garbage not dispensing it.)

To those who may be offended by these apologies, I apologize.

Can we please get on with resolving the won't-wait issues of campaignreform, the preservation of Social Security, the creation of meaningful universal healthcare, and the appropriate (and now, to some degree, corrective) education of our children?